There are a lot of things in life that makes me happy, relaxed, calm, and in peace with myself. Good music is something I envy artists that create such interesting pieces of art.
Take this video of Soundgarden - Applebite
Its a cool mix of music that symbolizes many things. Hope, desire, majesty, among several others. I can visualize a strong future after my time is gone, a world anew, perhaps the world truly united after a nuclear war or a massive rock from space and we are in the process of believing. It is that sound of hope from the music that keeps me going.
In a way this music when I listen to it brings a relaxing look into the future, a glimpse of how people should stop and take the time to listen to not just the lyrics of a artists piece of music but the notes coming from all of the instruments that are used. Each song has its meaning to each person. That person may look at it in an entirely different light that I put it on. Does that mean they are wrong in their thoughts? No, it does not. It shows they are understanding and they also have an opinion on the artists taste.
With that, I leave with one more video that brings a lot of inspiration. I wish I had this man's talent and creativity.
DubFX - Society Gates
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Smile!
I had a bit on my mind this evening I suppose. This one is a bit more informative more than anything.
In less than 3 months now, I will be finally be going under the knife, drill, and whatever other crazy tool dentist use to pull eight teeth out. Yes, 8 teeth are coming out of my mouth in September and as scared shitless as I am about the idea of it, the benefit will be limitless.
Overall, to quote Ice Cube "Today was a good day"
Sadly, tomorrow is Monday......
In less than 3 months now, I will be finally be going under the knife, drill, and whatever other crazy tool dentist use to pull eight teeth out. Yes, 8 teeth are coming out of my mouth in September and as scared shitless as I am about the idea of it, the benefit will be limitless.
- I will be able to actually smile without the thought of some person focusing their attention on my mouth for a change...
- I will be getting eight removed (four are wisdom), 2 crown implants, and an upper bridge
- I can actually show off some pearly white shiny teeth by February next year (going with invisline instead of normal braces if I can get away with it)
- I will have real, strong confidence in myself
- I will be able to speak publically without any doubts in myself.
- I can actually flash a smile at some one instead of a fake half smile.
Overall, to quote Ice Cube "Today was a good day"
Sadly, tomorrow is Monday......
Fathers Day
I was in a deep thought today with it being fathers day. Like mothers day, this day celebrates dear old dad. As much as I would like to say I would like to enjoy this day with mine, that is unfortunately not possible since he left when I was young. While it took some time for me to realize why he did it and digest it all, it still bothers me to some degree though not as much as it has previously.
My dad opted to leave me and my mother when I was roughly 3 or 4 years old. I attempted to find him again, successfully when I was 11 or 12, solo, on a Metro bus, when he was working at the Seattle Center. From that one day, we never saw each other again, there was no attempt to contact one another, which suited me just as well. My answers were answered and I did not want anything to do there after.
I have often been curious if this is why I am the way I am. Am I "broken" because of him or has it made me stronger and grow up faster? These are some of the questions I am going to talk to my counselor on my next session. I have been virtually solo, except with close friends, since I was 15 or 16. Nearly 10 years have passed since I "ran away" so to speak to get away from the pain and suffering I endured from my mother. My sister was no real help but that was your typical younger brother vs. older sister rivalry. My contact with either of them is only a few times a year, if even that.
I know for some women, a man having a close connection to his family is important but since I don't have that "trait" does this make me even less of a person in their eyes? Perhaps once she understands my life, she will understand why I opt not to talk about my family.
There are some positive things for this day however. The joy I get to bring people when I am on the tourist train. The smiles from the dad's, grandpa's, etc make it all worth while to endure the day. Prior to my involvement in the tourist railroad industry, I would sit at home and play games on the Nintendo 64 or Gamecube. I hated fathers day with a passion that it would make the devil envious of my attitude. My first day as a Conductor on Father Day damn near broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. It was then I realized the day wasn't simply about me and my "father" but the overall celebration of fathers everywhere.
As much as I sound like a grinch in this post, it is more of a mere observation. The look on a son or daughters face as they look up at their dad is something special, amazing, and powerful. While I can't experience that feeling, I can certainly watch from the sidelines at others enjoyment and take pleasure knowing their happiness is important. I hope that I can make my son or daughter have that same bright smile of joy and happiness.
My dad opted to leave me and my mother when I was roughly 3 or 4 years old. I attempted to find him again, successfully when I was 11 or 12, solo, on a Metro bus, when he was working at the Seattle Center. From that one day, we never saw each other again, there was no attempt to contact one another, which suited me just as well. My answers were answered and I did not want anything to do there after.
I have often been curious if this is why I am the way I am. Am I "broken" because of him or has it made me stronger and grow up faster? These are some of the questions I am going to talk to my counselor on my next session. I have been virtually solo, except with close friends, since I was 15 or 16. Nearly 10 years have passed since I "ran away" so to speak to get away from the pain and suffering I endured from my mother. My sister was no real help but that was your typical younger brother vs. older sister rivalry. My contact with either of them is only a few times a year, if even that.
I know for some women, a man having a close connection to his family is important but since I don't have that "trait" does this make me even less of a person in their eyes? Perhaps once she understands my life, she will understand why I opt not to talk about my family.
There are some positive things for this day however. The joy I get to bring people when I am on the tourist train. The smiles from the dad's, grandpa's, etc make it all worth while to endure the day. Prior to my involvement in the tourist railroad industry, I would sit at home and play games on the Nintendo 64 or Gamecube. I hated fathers day with a passion that it would make the devil envious of my attitude. My first day as a Conductor on Father Day damn near broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. It was then I realized the day wasn't simply about me and my "father" but the overall celebration of fathers everywhere.
As much as I sound like a grinch in this post, it is more of a mere observation. The look on a son or daughters face as they look up at their dad is something special, amazing, and powerful. While I can't experience that feeling, I can certainly watch from the sidelines at others enjoyment and take pleasure knowing their happiness is important. I hope that I can make my son or daughter have that same bright smile of joy and happiness.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A success of failure
I have come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I am who I am and slowly beginning to understand who I am. Some could say I am perturb at my personality and they are probably right but I am getting off the subject at hand.
My relationships could be described as a success of failure. As strong as they were, they all eventually have failed for one reason or another. My stress, my attitude, and my emotions that have remained bottled inside me have all ruined these relationships. Trust has always been my down fall because it involves letting my guard down to that person and allowing that to happen leaves me vulnerable, open, and unadulterated. The mystery of who I am, what I am, and why I am becomes a gateway of questions I may or may not want to answer, that I would prefer to remain closed up and put in a shelf away from anyone to never read into.
Is it my apprehension of commitment? It is the doubting fear of knowing I will fail because of my history? Is it because I am scared to death of something happening to her like what has happened previously? If something did, can I mentally handle another episode of my life ending so dramatically, tragically, and sudden. I honestly don't believe I could and I would undoubtedly want to put myself out of the misery, the pain, the suffering, without anyone knowing. I have always told myself that if I were to die for whatever reason, I would hope it will be quick, silent, and painless. Dark, yes, but it would be the best way.
Where does some one realize that they are successfully a failure or the failure makes them a success? What really makes me think that any future relationship won't end in the way that happened to me already? Will some one cheat on me again? Will some one die because of some ones selfish desire to drink themselves into a stupor and cause a tragic accident? When will I really, truly be happy? Is it possible for me to really even be happy?
How can love translate into something so beautiful yet so painful? Is it the thought of making love to that person or being able to rely and count on that person, day in and day out, just like she would? What if the relationship is purely based on "what ifs" would some one really be able to move forward with anything more than just "girlfriend/boyfriend"?
As much as I want to love, will my heart truly allow it to be open, to be exposed, naked and vulnerable? Will that person except me, my flaws, my doubts, my baggage, and the pain that I carry onward? Some tell me yes, others tell me "fuck no". Either way, the idea, the thought of settling down scares me. The commitment I thought would be saved for one person makes it that much difficult, that much harder, that much scary, and so much more intimidating.
I want to hold whomever I am with, look them deep into their eyes, their soul and tell them I love you, with no qualms, no regrets, no doubts in my body, heart, and mind. I want to be able to kiss that person passionately, tell them I love you, with the sincerity that makes them tremble and I want to make them quake, explode in pure ecstasy and bliss that everyone knows that we are together.
Will I be able to get to that point in my life again? I wish I could answer that now...perhaps some day I will be able to hold that person, see that person, experience life with that person, to see what their face looks in the glowing warm sun when they wake up in the morning, eyes crusted over from the deep peaceful sleep.
Despite all of these things, all of these desires, I am still only human, I am still young and I am still frightened to hell at the thought of "I do" but I yearn for that day when that person I can trust is there for me, I have said I do and the cries of pain and joy of my hand being crushed as she is giving birth to our first child. The very thought of those moments makes my eyes water up each time I think about it. I just hope that I get to experience before it is too late.
Goodnight.
My relationships could be described as a success of failure. As strong as they were, they all eventually have failed for one reason or another. My stress, my attitude, and my emotions that have remained bottled inside me have all ruined these relationships. Trust has always been my down fall because it involves letting my guard down to that person and allowing that to happen leaves me vulnerable, open, and unadulterated. The mystery of who I am, what I am, and why I am becomes a gateway of questions I may or may not want to answer, that I would prefer to remain closed up and put in a shelf away from anyone to never read into.
Is it my apprehension of commitment? It is the doubting fear of knowing I will fail because of my history? Is it because I am scared to death of something happening to her like what has happened previously? If something did, can I mentally handle another episode of my life ending so dramatically, tragically, and sudden. I honestly don't believe I could and I would undoubtedly want to put myself out of the misery, the pain, the suffering, without anyone knowing. I have always told myself that if I were to die for whatever reason, I would hope it will be quick, silent, and painless. Dark, yes, but it would be the best way.
Where does some one realize that they are successfully a failure or the failure makes them a success? What really makes me think that any future relationship won't end in the way that happened to me already? Will some one cheat on me again? Will some one die because of some ones selfish desire to drink themselves into a stupor and cause a tragic accident? When will I really, truly be happy? Is it possible for me to really even be happy?
How can love translate into something so beautiful yet so painful? Is it the thought of making love to that person or being able to rely and count on that person, day in and day out, just like she would? What if the relationship is purely based on "what ifs" would some one really be able to move forward with anything more than just "girlfriend/boyfriend"?
As much as I want to love, will my heart truly allow it to be open, to be exposed, naked and vulnerable? Will that person except me, my flaws, my doubts, my baggage, and the pain that I carry onward? Some tell me yes, others tell me "fuck no". Either way, the idea, the thought of settling down scares me. The commitment I thought would be saved for one person makes it that much difficult, that much harder, that much scary, and so much more intimidating.
I want to hold whomever I am with, look them deep into their eyes, their soul and tell them I love you, with no qualms, no regrets, no doubts in my body, heart, and mind. I want to be able to kiss that person passionately, tell them I love you, with the sincerity that makes them tremble and I want to make them quake, explode in pure ecstasy and bliss that everyone knows that we are together.
Will I be able to get to that point in my life again? I wish I could answer that now...perhaps some day I will be able to hold that person, see that person, experience life with that person, to see what their face looks in the glowing warm sun when they wake up in the morning, eyes crusted over from the deep peaceful sleep.
Despite all of these things, all of these desires, I am still only human, I am still young and I am still frightened to hell at the thought of "I do" but I yearn for that day when that person I can trust is there for me, I have said I do and the cries of pain and joy of my hand being crushed as she is giving birth to our first child. The very thought of those moments makes my eyes water up each time I think about it. I just hope that I get to experience before it is too late.
Goodnight.
Sometimes....
Sometimes I don't make sense.
Sometimes I don't understand.
Sometimes I just want to be known.
Sometimes I just want to love.
And sometimes I just want to hide.
Ever have those feelings before? Today I felt I was able to do a mix of all of these things and felt at ease with myself. I am not sure if it is because I am around a passionate hobby of mine or if it was because I am at ease with myself, finally getting the weight off my shoulders.
Sometimes, my understanding of life is skewed. I always wanted an adventure. Sometimes that adventure is dangerous, yet I welcome it, even with the faint possibility that I could get seriously injured or worse. Some people don't quite understand this logic, others do. Sometimes, that understanding all we have to live and go by.
I wish sometimes more people would understand that I am not your "typical African-American", yes, I have "strange" hobbies. I like trains, photography, extreme sports, camping, hiking, etc. This is me, this is who I am and sometimes, I'd like you to simply accept me and not who you want me to be....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Self Destruction
I wasn't planning on writing again tonight but my fingers and mind had other thoughts. I suppose this a good thing and may help me sleep even better before my weekend starts but nevertheless, here I am.
Self Destruction of one person's mind, body, and soul happens to everyone. Let it be the person next door, the church goer, the person who is always hyped up on caffeine, the destruction is nearly inevitable in our society. While most people only have this happen once in their lifetime, I seem to be on my 4th self destruction. The point where I want to give up everything, to shut down, to hide, to get away from everything and nearly everyone in this earth. I wanted to be an atom, tiny, forgotten, swashed away in the molecules of life.
I have reached that critical point in my life where I question even why I am here, who's purpose am I to serve if I can't even take care of myself, to succeed, to grow and be the man I am supposed to become or should be. This selfish act I can only perceive as something only to be an super nova of emotions inside me. This super nova was suppressed once I started going to see a counsellor to curtail these emotions.
My first session was yesterday and I managed to uncover my life story in the hour, except for the last 3 to 5 years. Uncovering the truth, the deception, and the cloud I have put over myself to make me feel happy and look important. Did I gain anything from it? No. What little deception I have put myself through only continued to build up the anger, the hatred for myself and my life.
In less than 5 months, I will again cherish and celebrate my first love of my life, the first person I ever told I loved other than my grandparents and sincerely meant it. The person that was taken from my life, her families life, and unbeknownst to both of us, a young child, not even a month of being apart of this world and our lives, was taken. We were both 17 and dated continuously, secretively, since we were 13 years old. It was a devastating hit of reality and I slipped into a depression far greater than any person in this world ever should suffer. I felt like I was the person to blame, I felt like the most helpless person in the world, and the worse that any creature could experience. My life was shattered, lost, and forgotten.
To this day, I continue to hold onto the memory, the phone call, seeing the body, seeing the blood. Mentally, I was never meant to handle such a scene, reserved normally for movies. The sight that I witnessed made me terrified of myself, my internal rage of hatred towards people, the drunk driver that hit her but I still continued to blame myself. During my session, she understood then why I am in the state of self destruction. I had no one who I can tell any of this to, I didn't trust anyone enough to let myself go and ultimately, I was holding onto some one so dear and close to me that I had a barrier that was unbreakable.
Its been a long time since I cried and poured myself out in such a manner that surprised even myself. I felt alone, I felt tiny, laying down, staring at the art-deco ceiling but I felt a relief of that pain I left inside me disappear. My eyes burned the rest of the session as I explained why I needed to let all of this go. Water poured from my eyes like a raging river. The emotions have finally came forth to a stranger I have only known for fifty minutes to that point.
As I continue to think and ponder, I have gotten to where I can release the tension I have had towards so many people, even my closest friends. I want to know what it is like to love again and be loved. I want to know what passion is again. I want to reach out and be that person who can be dependable and that go to person. The accident destroyed my social skills and I've been trying and learning to be more interactive with my peers.
Perhaps as time inches forward, I can restart my life anew and start the search for some one who will give as much love as I do. That time may come tomorrow or it will happen several years from now. Whenever my time comes, I will hopefully be prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally and the person will come to understand me completely as I hope to understand her as best to my ability.
Goodnight
Self Destruction of one person's mind, body, and soul happens to everyone. Let it be the person next door, the church goer, the person who is always hyped up on caffeine, the destruction is nearly inevitable in our society. While most people only have this happen once in their lifetime, I seem to be on my 4th self destruction. The point where I want to give up everything, to shut down, to hide, to get away from everything and nearly everyone in this earth. I wanted to be an atom, tiny, forgotten, swashed away in the molecules of life.
I have reached that critical point in my life where I question even why I am here, who's purpose am I to serve if I can't even take care of myself, to succeed, to grow and be the man I am supposed to become or should be. This selfish act I can only perceive as something only to be an super nova of emotions inside me. This super nova was suppressed once I started going to see a counsellor to curtail these emotions.
My first session was yesterday and I managed to uncover my life story in the hour, except for the last 3 to 5 years. Uncovering the truth, the deception, and the cloud I have put over myself to make me feel happy and look important. Did I gain anything from it? No. What little deception I have put myself through only continued to build up the anger, the hatred for myself and my life.
In less than 5 months, I will again cherish and celebrate my first love of my life, the first person I ever told I loved other than my grandparents and sincerely meant it. The person that was taken from my life, her families life, and unbeknownst to both of us, a young child, not even a month of being apart of this world and our lives, was taken. We were both 17 and dated continuously, secretively, since we were 13 years old. It was a devastating hit of reality and I slipped into a depression far greater than any person in this world ever should suffer. I felt like I was the person to blame, I felt like the most helpless person in the world, and the worse that any creature could experience. My life was shattered, lost, and forgotten.
To this day, I continue to hold onto the memory, the phone call, seeing the body, seeing the blood. Mentally, I was never meant to handle such a scene, reserved normally for movies. The sight that I witnessed made me terrified of myself, my internal rage of hatred towards people, the drunk driver that hit her but I still continued to blame myself. During my session, she understood then why I am in the state of self destruction. I had no one who I can tell any of this to, I didn't trust anyone enough to let myself go and ultimately, I was holding onto some one so dear and close to me that I had a barrier that was unbreakable.
Its been a long time since I cried and poured myself out in such a manner that surprised even myself. I felt alone, I felt tiny, laying down, staring at the art-deco ceiling but I felt a relief of that pain I left inside me disappear. My eyes burned the rest of the session as I explained why I needed to let all of this go. Water poured from my eyes like a raging river. The emotions have finally came forth to a stranger I have only known for fifty minutes to that point.
As I continue to think and ponder, I have gotten to where I can release the tension I have had towards so many people, even my closest friends. I want to know what it is like to love again and be loved. I want to know what passion is again. I want to reach out and be that person who can be dependable and that go to person. The accident destroyed my social skills and I've been trying and learning to be more interactive with my peers.
Perhaps as time inches forward, I can restart my life anew and start the search for some one who will give as much love as I do. That time may come tomorrow or it will happen several years from now. Whenever my time comes, I will hopefully be prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally and the person will come to understand me completely as I hope to understand her as best to my ability.
Goodnight
Welcome...
I created this blog to express myself in a manner than can only be done on "paper". Since I dislike writing by hand and sadly attached to a computer or smartphone 99% of the time, this would be my source of an outlet to rant, rave and express myself in a manner few may or may not understand or even relate to.
Some of this will be emotional, some of this will be deep, some will be pure anger but all of it will be from me and who I am.
Those who decide to read this blog, heed this warning now that I will not hold back my thoughts, expressions, or opinions. There will be swearing, sexual talk (to an extent), etc. You are welcome to comment back and voice your thoughts, concerns, and ideas. I welcome and cherish it all but I am not looking for a pity party or be told I am some pathetic human simply because of what I say..
Till tomorrow....
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