That fine line...

Where do we stop and make a decision on where the fine line is at? The line that we no longer can handle the situation and need to make a dramatic change in our life's that is for the better. We as humans come across this line in many scenarios, like drug and alcohol abuse or relationships with boyfriend/girlfriends or wives and husbands.

When do we get to the point that we abandon all hope, give up and wish to be 6 feet under instead of continuing to fight that never ending battle of pain, guilt, doubt and mystery? We give up on many things in life once we make a decision to do the change. Some of these lines we cross divide us greatly, politically and mentally. Some of these lines cause us to be much more dramatic, like jumping off a bridge, putting a gun to ones head, or stepping out in front of a train.

What breaks that line up? How can we get away from that line, where hope exists over the border of reach that has always seemed impossible?

I've been thinking about a lot of the above. I've contemplated almost everything to make the pain end, the agony of that this world seems to bring me and ultimately my friends as I rant, complain, and bitch about the issue. The stress, the drama, the lies that people tell me, the hatred towards me some give me, always that fine line that wants to be crossed to make it all disappear seems all to easy, the quickest way.

But for a change, to hell with everyone that has doubted my resolve. Those "friends" whom told me to go ahead and kill myself because I have no meaning, no purpose on this planet. Fuck you to the prior employers that said I will never amount to anything and I will be a failure because I only have my GED and not college educated.

Yes, my life isn't that grand with a fucking cherry to mark the chip on my shoulder. Yes, I've stole, done terrible things, gotten into fights, been in juvi for not going to school. My life has been a wreck and my home life is mostly to blame for my pit falls but I'll be damned if I let some of you tell me I will be NOTHING because it makes you feel some what better about your higher-than-thou life, get off your uppity pedestal, you are only hurting yourself.

I have been spending the past 5 years, cleaning up my act, improving my credit history, making myself a better person, a better man, to make myself who I, ME, what I want to be, not what YOU want me to be. I WILL get me a motorcycle and enjoy my passion. I WILL get my engineers license, I WILL be strong, and I WILL remain focused on my goals.

Doubt me and my goals, regardless if they take another 2-5 years to become a reality but in every fibre of my being will continue to fight what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. My decision does not need your permission, it does not need your money, it does not need your two cents unless I ask of it and I sure in the hell don't need you to believe you know what is best for me in my life or career decisions.

If you cannot understand that, remove me from whatever social network you have me on, remove me from your phone, we have no reason to speak to each other.

To those that have helped me remain strong, given me the sound advice and knowledge that I have asked for, I can not express how thankful I am. I would not be here still if it wasn't for some of you. There were many, many times when the fine line snapped and I went into the deep end and almost never came back.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I don't make sense.

Sometimes I don't understand.

Sometimes I just want to be known.

Sometimes I just want to love.

And sometimes I just want to hide.

Ever have those feelings before? Today I felt I was able to do a mix of all of these things and felt at ease with myself. I am not sure if it is because I am around a passionate hobby of mine or if it was because I am at ease with myself, finally getting the weight off my shoulders.

Sometimes, my understanding of life is skewed. I always wanted an adventure. Sometimes that adventure is dangerous, yet I welcome it, even with the faint possibility that I could get seriously injured or worse. Some people don't quite understand this logic, others do. Sometimes, that understanding all we have to live and go by.

I wish sometimes more people would understand that I am not your "typical African-American", yes, I have "strange" hobbies. I like trains, photography, extreme sports, camping, hiking, etc. This is me, this is who I am and sometimes, I'd like you to simply accept me and not who you want me to be....