A success of failure

I have come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I am who I am and slowly beginning to understand who I am. Some could say I am perturb at my personality and they are probably right but I am getting off the subject at hand.

My relationships could be described as a success of failure. As strong as they were, they all eventually have failed for one reason or another. My stress, my attitude, and my emotions that have remained bottled inside me have all ruined these relationships. Trust has always been my down fall because it involves letting my guard down to that person and allowing that to happen leaves me vulnerable, open, and unadulterated. The mystery of who I am, what I am, and why I am becomes a gateway of questions I may or may not want to answer, that I would prefer to remain closed up and put in a shelf away from anyone to never read into.

Is it my apprehension of commitment? It is the doubting fear of knowing I will fail because of my history? Is it because I am scared to death of something happening to her like what has happened previously? If something did, can I mentally handle another episode of my life ending so dramatically, tragically, and sudden. I honestly don't believe I could and I would undoubtedly want to put myself out of the misery, the pain, the suffering, without anyone knowing. I have always told myself that if I were to die for whatever reason, I would hope it will be quick, silent, and painless. Dark, yes, but it would be the best way.

Where does some one realize that they are successfully a failure or the failure makes them a success? What really makes me think that any future relationship won't end in the way that happened to me already? Will some one cheat on me again? Will some one die because of some ones selfish desire to drink themselves into a stupor and cause a tragic accident? When will I really, truly be happy? Is it possible for me to really even be happy?

How can love translate into something so beautiful yet so painful? Is it the thought of making love to that person or being able to rely and count on that person, day in and day out, just like she would? What if the relationship is purely based on "what ifs" would some one really be able to move forward with anything more than just "girlfriend/boyfriend"?

As much as I want to love, will my heart truly allow it to be open, to be exposed, naked and vulnerable? Will that person except me, my flaws, my doubts, my baggage, and the pain that I carry onward? Some tell me yes, others tell me "fuck no". Either way, the idea, the thought of settling down scares me. The commitment I thought would be saved for one person makes it that much difficult, that much harder, that much scary, and so much more intimidating.

I want to hold whomever I am with, look them deep into their eyes, their soul and tell them I love you, with no qualms, no regrets, no doubts in my body, heart, and mind. I want to be able to kiss that person passionately, tell them I love you, with the sincerity that makes them tremble and I want to make them quake, explode in pure ecstasy and bliss that everyone knows that we are together.

Will I be able to get to that point in my life again? I wish I could answer that now...perhaps some day I will be able to hold that person, see that person, experience life with that person, to see what their face looks in the glowing warm sun when they wake up in the morning, eyes crusted over from the deep peaceful sleep.

Despite all of these things, all of these desires, I am still only human, I am still young and I am still frightened to hell at the thought of "I do" but I yearn for that day when that person I can trust is there for me, I have said I do and the cries of pain and joy of my hand being crushed as she is giving birth to our first child. The very thought of those moments makes my eyes water up each time I think about it. I just hope that I get to experience before it is too late.

Goodnight.