I wasn't planning on writing again tonight but my fingers and mind had other thoughts. I suppose this a good thing and may help me sleep even better before my weekend starts but nevertheless, here I am.
Self Destruction of one person's mind, body, and soul happens to everyone. Let it be the person next door, the church goer, the person who is always hyped up on caffeine, the destruction is nearly inevitable in our society. While most people only have this happen once in their lifetime, I seem to be on my 4th self destruction. The point where I want to give up everything, to shut down, to hide, to get away from everything and nearly everyone in this earth. I wanted to be an atom, tiny, forgotten, swashed away in the molecules of life.
I have reached that critical point in my life where I question even why I am here, who's purpose am I to serve if I can't even take care of myself, to succeed, to grow and be the man I am supposed to become or should be. This selfish act I can only perceive as something only to be an super nova of emotions inside me. This super nova was suppressed once I started going to see a counsellor to curtail these emotions.
My first session was yesterday and I managed to uncover my life story in the hour, except for the last 3 to 5 years. Uncovering the truth, the deception, and the cloud I have put over myself to make me feel happy and look important. Did I gain anything from it? No. What little deception I have put myself through only continued to build up the anger, the hatred for myself and my life.
In less than 5 months, I will again cherish and celebrate my first love of my life, the first person I ever told I loved other than my grandparents and sincerely meant it. The person that was taken from my life, her families life, and unbeknownst to both of us, a young child, not even a month of being apart of this world and our lives, was taken. We were both 17 and dated continuously, secretively, since we were 13 years old. It was a devastating hit of reality and I slipped into a depression far greater than any person in this world ever should suffer. I felt like I was the person to blame, I felt like the most helpless person in the world, and the worse that any creature could experience. My life was shattered, lost, and forgotten.
To this day, I continue to hold onto the memory, the phone call, seeing the body, seeing the blood. Mentally, I was never meant to handle such a scene, reserved normally for movies. The sight that I witnessed made me terrified of myself, my internal rage of hatred towards people, the drunk driver that hit her but I still continued to blame myself. During my session, she understood then why I am in the state of self destruction. I had no one who I can tell any of this to, I didn't trust anyone enough to let myself go and ultimately, I was holding onto some one so dear and close to me that I had a barrier that was unbreakable.
Its been a long time since I cried and poured myself out in such a manner that surprised even myself. I felt alone, I felt tiny, laying down, staring at the art-deco ceiling but I felt a relief of that pain I left inside me disappear. My eyes burned the rest of the session as I explained why I needed to let all of this go. Water poured from my eyes like a raging river. The emotions have finally came forth to a stranger I have only known for fifty minutes to that point.
As I continue to think and ponder, I have gotten to where I can release the tension I have had towards so many people, even my closest friends. I want to know what it is like to love again and be loved. I want to know what passion is again. I want to reach out and be that person who can be dependable and that go to person. The accident destroyed my social skills and I've been trying and learning to be more interactive with my peers.
Perhaps as time inches forward, I can restart my life anew and start the search for some one who will give as much love as I do. That time may come tomorrow or it will happen several years from now. Whenever my time comes, I will hopefully be prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally and the person will come to understand me completely as I hope to understand her as best to my ability.
Goodnight
Brian
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I want to send you a giant hug. I am so glad you created this blog, and that you are getting your emotions out. I can understand about being confused, lost,lonely, broken, and just wishing that you would shrink and disappear. I have been through those feelings so many times. I am actually going through a rough patch where I feel like that now. I am so sorry for the way in which you lost your first love. I am also glad that you are seeking counseling. It won't be easy, but you need to learn to deal with the emotions attached to that time of your life, and the tragic way she was taken. You also need to learn to let go, and always remember because you let go of that pain and the emotions attached to the incident doesn't mean you are letting go of her memory. Try to think about the happy times with her and let them over shadow the deep hurt you've been feeling.
I am sorry if my words are of no comfort, or if they make little sense. I have not been in your exact place so obviously I cannot begin to feel your emotions. I lost the first person I ever loved, although I didn't lose them to death, it still hurt. I recently realized that I was still holding onto all of that pain almost 10 years later. I also realized that by holding onto the memories and everything attached to that hurt, I was causing myself constant turmoil. I realized that was why I view myself the way I do, and I am trying to work on changing my attitude and my self esteem. I truly hope you can find some peace. You're an amazing person and I am always here if you want to vent to someone. I want to thank yo for your friendship and for having the courage to post such a personal entry.
Thank you very much for the comment Amanda. It has taken me a lot to get to this point. I am slowly learning that the memory of her is just as important as the time I spent with her. Letting go is never hard for a first love but in the manner that it was done to me is even worse.
ReplyDeleteAs I grow and continue to march forward, hopefully things will improve, along with the way I interact with people.
Things will improve, just keep pushing on.
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