Fathers Day

I was in a deep thought today with it being fathers day. Like mothers day, this day celebrates dear old dad. As much as I would like to say I would like to enjoy this day with mine, that is unfortunately not possible since he left when I was young. While it took some time for me to realize why he did it and digest it all, it still bothers me to some degree though not as much as it has previously.

My dad opted to leave me and my mother when I was roughly 3 or 4 years old. I attempted to find him again, successfully when I was 11 or 12, solo, on a Metro bus, when he was working at the Seattle Center. From that one day, we never saw each other again, there was no attempt to contact one another, which suited me just as well. My answers were answered and I did not want anything to do there after.

I have often been curious if this is why I am the way I am. Am I "broken" because of him or has it made me stronger and grow up faster? These are some of the questions I am going to talk to my counselor on my next session. I have been virtually solo, except with close friends, since I was 15 or 16. Nearly 10 years have passed since I "ran away" so to speak to get away from the pain and suffering I endured from my mother. My sister was no real help but that was your typical younger brother vs. older sister rivalry. My contact with either of them is only a few times a year, if even that.

I know for some women, a man having a close connection to his family is important but since I don't have that "trait" does this make me even less of a person in their eyes? Perhaps once she understands my life, she will understand why I opt not to talk about my family.

There are some positive things for this day however. The joy I get to bring people when I am on the tourist train. The smiles from the dad's, grandpa's, etc make it all worth while to endure the day. Prior to my involvement in the tourist railroad industry, I would sit at home and play games on the Nintendo 64 or Gamecube. I hated fathers day with a passion that it would make the devil envious of my attitude. My first day as a Conductor on Father Day damn near broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. It was then I realized the day wasn't simply about me and my "father" but the overall celebration of fathers everywhere.

As much as I sound like a grinch in this post, it is more of a mere observation. The look on a son or daughters face as they look up at their dad is something special, amazing, and powerful. While I can't experience that feeling, I can certainly watch from the sidelines at others enjoyment and take pleasure knowing their happiness is important. I hope that I can make my son or daughter have that same bright smile of joy and happiness.