I've come a long, long way from where I used to be. A FICO score of only 480, which is virtually rock bottom, makes getting anything that involves credit nearly impossible. So how do you recover from such a downward spiral?
As much as I would like to say it was easy, I am going on 5 years now of rebuilding myself, my history, and getting to the point where I can now get a high interest loan solo.
So where do you start with rebuilding your credit? The first and foremost thing to do is pull your credit report. I went the optional way via Equifax and later TransUnion for their 3-n-1 credit report. I prefer TransUnion now because while a little more expensive (9.99 vs 12.99 a month), you get your credit scores from all three reporting agencies, along with all of the bonus security features one may need.
Take your time to review all of the data, make sure everything is correct and up to date. DO NOT dispute items over 4 years old because it will actually hurt your score than help it. This is how I went from slightly above 600 to a 480 score. Once you have determined everything you have out or in collections, be proactive and make a budget to begin paying things off.
Do not be aggressive about your timeline and budget. Give yourself enough money to live on, have some play money, transit fare, or things you may need for your car.
Once you have your budget figured out, its time to setup automatic deductions from your account for savings. I started off with $50 a paycheck and now sitting at roughly $150 a paycheck that will go into savings. $300 a month may not sound much but at the end of a 12 month term, you will have $3600 bucks you can use or continue to save. If you use it, it will be a good stepping stone towards a down payment on a used car. Combine that with your tax return, you could be in a very good position for yourself and your recovery. For this example, you may be able to qualify for a house of your own in 4 to 8 years. In 4 years of not touching that $3600, you could have $14,400, excluding whatever has built up from interest on your money.
The above however WILL NOT get you credit. It is a method to maintaining a solid and secure budget that you can trust and rely upon.
To start building credit, we now need to look at credit cards. Unfortunately, you have to have some debt in order to gain credit. Its a terrible catch-22 but if you do it smartly and properly, you will not have any issues in your trek to rebuild your credit history.
For those that have a credit score under 620, getting a normal credit card with a small limit is very, very challenging. If you have been making your payments on-time, not a second late, you should have already noticed a slight bump in your history. To continue on the path of growth, take a look at Secured Credit Cards. I have two cards that have dramatically helped me in my progress to rebuilding my history. One card is from Applied Bank and the other is from Capital One. They both have a limit of $800 dollars, which will allow me to cover anything in an emergency. One stays on me at all times and the other is left at home for internet shopping.
This is where things may get a little difficult to understand. In order for you to gain credit now that you have your cards, you have to use them, upwards of 30 to 60 percent of their limit. The trick is to pay them off each month or get it below the 15% mark of you credit-to-debt ratio. Keeping this up for two to three years should have you near the 650-700 range. ALWAYS keep your cards open!!! If you close the cards, you close that chapter in your credit history, thus lowering and damaging your credit score.
After your 4th year of being responsible with your card, apply for a high end card. American Express or Discover will be your best option. While both aren't usable everywhere, they are a strong way to get you near that 800 FICO score.
There are many other things that affect your credit history. Your job history is a very small but important figure. If you have been on the job for only 3 months, you most likely will not get the loan, even if your job history was seamless. Also lenders won't give loans to those who move around a lot. It shows that you are a "flight risk" even if it is within the same median of where you live at. The longer you remain at your residence, the more likely you will get the loan. This is especially true if you are trying to get a recreational vehicle, like a boat, motorcycle, or ATV.
By alternating these methods and modifying them that best suits your needs will give you a strong correction of your credit history. That car, boat, motorcycle, or house isn't too far out when you set goals for yourself.
Keep your head up and keep fighting and you'll get what you want. You'll have to be patient but it'll eventually come to you. It took me nearly 5 years and I am now able to rent an apartment and get a car loan. There were plenty of blood, sweat and tears but the results show that when you want something bad enough, you'll continue to fight for it.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Numb....
Tonight, I am numb. I tried to make something work that wasn't. I attempted to care, I tried to care, I slowly opened myself up, only to fail. I allowed myself to get hurt, knowing what could happen. I allowed myself to let my guard down, knowing the possibilities of the pain.
That pain is here and now I am numb. Shattered into nothing, I attempted to sway you, I wanted you to be mine and I let you go. It hurts so terribly but I brought it upon myself. It was no ones fault but my own. This blog has helped me reveal so much but it also backfired by revealing items of my past. As much as I wanted to tell you everything, it is not something I can endure online. It was something I wanted to be face to face, to see your reaction, to let you hear and see the pain in my face and emotions.
Now that I am numb, I must keep my heart closed. I will not allow this to happen again, even if it means being alone, even if that means closing people out once again. I attempted to be open minded, I tried to be vocal, I asked for more and all I accomplished is letting you slip from my fingers...
Yes, I have my problems. I have my personal issues. I am getting help for this and you knew this. I was nearly where I wanted, I thought I had everything I could've asked for and wanted to work on us next. I never got the time, I never got the opportunity, all I can do is say that I am sorry.
I am happy for you. I am happy that you have found some one. At least you have some one to make yourself happy. I wish I had a chance to be there more, perhaps we could've been happy together but now, I will be numb...closed...dark..and alone.
Goodnight...
That pain is here and now I am numb. Shattered into nothing, I attempted to sway you, I wanted you to be mine and I let you go. It hurts so terribly but I brought it upon myself. It was no ones fault but my own. This blog has helped me reveal so much but it also backfired by revealing items of my past. As much as I wanted to tell you everything, it is not something I can endure online. It was something I wanted to be face to face, to see your reaction, to let you hear and see the pain in my face and emotions.
Now that I am numb, I must keep my heart closed. I will not allow this to happen again, even if it means being alone, even if that means closing people out once again. I attempted to be open minded, I tried to be vocal, I asked for more and all I accomplished is letting you slip from my fingers...
Yes, I have my problems. I have my personal issues. I am getting help for this and you knew this. I was nearly where I wanted, I thought I had everything I could've asked for and wanted to work on us next. I never got the time, I never got the opportunity, all I can do is say that I am sorry.
I am happy for you. I am happy that you have found some one. At least you have some one to make yourself happy. I wish I had a chance to be there more, perhaps we could've been happy together but now, I will be numb...closed...dark..and alone.
Goodnight...
Ponderings...
I've pondered you for months,
I've been taken by your beauty,
I've wanted your desires,
I've tasted the want,
I've wanted to be lost in your mind,
I've long forgotten your lust,
I've pondered if you even remember me....
I've been taken by your beauty,
I've wanted your desires,
I've tasted the want,
I've wanted to be lost in your mind,
I've long forgotten your lust,
I've pondered if you even remember me....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Relationships
Relationships; the root of frustration, chaos, triumph, and mystery. How they work, why they work, and how to make them work is how we spend the majority of our years figuring out. While we are in them, we are a mixed bag of emotions. When we are out of them, we still remain perplexed and at times lost.
Where does one start a relationship? Being social? Being talkative? Being hot and sexy? Why are there "qualifications" needed to be in a relationship and instead be with some one that is simply attractive and wants to cherish and spend time with the significant other?
Now, as I say that, I know attraction makes a large difference and is an unknown variable that goes from person to person. Most guys would want a Megan Fox but will settle for a Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Why are we drawn to a certain person? Is it a sexual attraction or a physical attraction? Does the desire to want some one overpower the overall reason why we are here; to have children and continue life and the legacy of our existence?
Sometimes a relationship can be strictly raw, sexual, animalistic desire to have at it with each other. Others can be slow, romantic, passionate, and compassionate. Do we settle for one or another? Do we strive to want one or another or is there some one out there that is equally balanced? Will some one equal stray away and see the person you care for in the midst of a gangbang or will they be loyal to you. How can you trust some one you barely know besides hoping they are being honest and faithful?
Yes, I am looking far too deep in the overall picture of something that seems so simple but the many gist of this post is trying to understand why some relationships are so wonderful and others are so damned difficult to understand.
I wish I knew a direct, easy answer to these questions. In many ways these questions only serve to confuse me more yet I yearn to find some sort of resolution to these questions.
Perhaps whomever is "out there" for me will answer these questions for me some day. Maybe that person will surprise me or simply hurt me once again. Hopefully whatever comes around, I will be prepared for it regardless of whatever happens tomorrow or 50 years from now.
Where does one start a relationship? Being social? Being talkative? Being hot and sexy? Why are there "qualifications" needed to be in a relationship and instead be with some one that is simply attractive and wants to cherish and spend time with the significant other?
Now, as I say that, I know attraction makes a large difference and is an unknown variable that goes from person to person. Most guys would want a Megan Fox but will settle for a Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Why are we drawn to a certain person? Is it a sexual attraction or a physical attraction? Does the desire to want some one overpower the overall reason why we are here; to have children and continue life and the legacy of our existence?
Sometimes a relationship can be strictly raw, sexual, animalistic desire to have at it with each other. Others can be slow, romantic, passionate, and compassionate. Do we settle for one or another? Do we strive to want one or another or is there some one out there that is equally balanced? Will some one equal stray away and see the person you care for in the midst of a gangbang or will they be loyal to you. How can you trust some one you barely know besides hoping they are being honest and faithful?
Yes, I am looking far too deep in the overall picture of something that seems so simple but the many gist of this post is trying to understand why some relationships are so wonderful and others are so damned difficult to understand.
I wish I knew a direct, easy answer to these questions. In many ways these questions only serve to confuse me more yet I yearn to find some sort of resolution to these questions.
Perhaps whomever is "out there" for me will answer these questions for me some day. Maybe that person will surprise me or simply hurt me once again. Hopefully whatever comes around, I will be prepared for it regardless of whatever happens tomorrow or 50 years from now.
That fine line...
Where do we stop and make a decision on where the fine line is at? The line that we no longer can handle the situation and need to make a dramatic change in our life's that is for the better. We as humans come across this line in many scenarios, like drug and alcohol abuse or relationships with boyfriend/girlfriends or wives and husbands.
When do we get to the point that we abandon all hope, give up and wish to be 6 feet under instead of continuing to fight that never ending battle of pain, guilt, doubt and mystery? We give up on many things in life once we make a decision to do the change. Some of these lines we cross divide us greatly, politically and mentally. Some of these lines cause us to be much more dramatic, like jumping off a bridge, putting a gun to ones head, or stepping out in front of a train.
What breaks that line up? How can we get away from that line, where hope exists over the border of reach that has always seemed impossible?
I've been thinking about a lot of the above. I've contemplated almost everything to make the pain end, the agony of that this world seems to bring me and ultimately my friends as I rant, complain, and bitch about the issue. The stress, the drama, the lies that people tell me, the hatred towards me some give me, always that fine line that wants to be crossed to make it all disappear seems all to easy, the quickest way.
But for a change, to hell with everyone that has doubted my resolve. Those "friends" whom told me to go ahead and kill myself because I have no meaning, no purpose on this planet. Fuck you to the prior employers that said I will never amount to anything and I will be a failure because I only have my GED and not college educated.
Yes, my life isn't that grand with a fucking cherry to mark the chip on my shoulder. Yes, I've stole, done terrible things, gotten into fights, been in juvi for not going to school. My life has been a wreck and my home life is mostly to blame for my pit falls but I'll be damned if I let some of you tell me I will be NOTHING because it makes you feel some what better about your higher-than-thou life, get off your uppity pedestal, you are only hurting yourself.
I have been spending the past 5 years, cleaning up my act, improving my credit history, making myself a better person, a better man, to make myself who I, ME, what I want to be, not what YOU want me to be. I WILL get me a motorcycle and enjoy my passion. I WILL get my engineers license, I WILL be strong, and I WILL remain focused on my goals.
Doubt me and my goals, regardless if they take another 2-5 years to become a reality but in every fibre of my being will continue to fight what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. My decision does not need your permission, it does not need your money, it does not need your two cents unless I ask of it and I sure in the hell don't need you to believe you know what is best for me in my life or career decisions.
If you cannot understand that, remove me from whatever social network you have me on, remove me from your phone, we have no reason to speak to each other.
To those that have helped me remain strong, given me the sound advice and knowledge that I have asked for, I can not express how thankful I am. I would not be here still if it wasn't for some of you. There were many, many times when the fine line snapped and I went into the deep end and almost never came back.
When do we get to the point that we abandon all hope, give up and wish to be 6 feet under instead of continuing to fight that never ending battle of pain, guilt, doubt and mystery? We give up on many things in life once we make a decision to do the change. Some of these lines we cross divide us greatly, politically and mentally. Some of these lines cause us to be much more dramatic, like jumping off a bridge, putting a gun to ones head, or stepping out in front of a train.
What breaks that line up? How can we get away from that line, where hope exists over the border of reach that has always seemed impossible?
I've been thinking about a lot of the above. I've contemplated almost everything to make the pain end, the agony of that this world seems to bring me and ultimately my friends as I rant, complain, and bitch about the issue. The stress, the drama, the lies that people tell me, the hatred towards me some give me, always that fine line that wants to be crossed to make it all disappear seems all to easy, the quickest way.
But for a change, to hell with everyone that has doubted my resolve. Those "friends" whom told me to go ahead and kill myself because I have no meaning, no purpose on this planet. Fuck you to the prior employers that said I will never amount to anything and I will be a failure because I only have my GED and not college educated.
Yes, my life isn't that grand with a fucking cherry to mark the chip on my shoulder. Yes, I've stole, done terrible things, gotten into fights, been in juvi for not going to school. My life has been a wreck and my home life is mostly to blame for my pit falls but I'll be damned if I let some of you tell me I will be NOTHING because it makes you feel some what better about your higher-than-thou life, get off your uppity pedestal, you are only hurting yourself.
I have been spending the past 5 years, cleaning up my act, improving my credit history, making myself a better person, a better man, to make myself who I, ME, what I want to be, not what YOU want me to be. I WILL get me a motorcycle and enjoy my passion. I WILL get my engineers license, I WILL be strong, and I WILL remain focused on my goals.
Doubt me and my goals, regardless if they take another 2-5 years to become a reality but in every fibre of my being will continue to fight what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. My decision does not need your permission, it does not need your money, it does not need your two cents unless I ask of it and I sure in the hell don't need you to believe you know what is best for me in my life or career decisions.
If you cannot understand that, remove me from whatever social network you have me on, remove me from your phone, we have no reason to speak to each other.
To those that have helped me remain strong, given me the sound advice and knowledge that I have asked for, I can not express how thankful I am. I would not be here still if it wasn't for some of you. There were many, many times when the fine line snapped and I went into the deep end and almost never came back.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Applebite
There are a lot of things in life that makes me happy, relaxed, calm, and in peace with myself. Good music is something I envy artists that create such interesting pieces of art.
Take this video of Soundgarden - Applebite
Its a cool mix of music that symbolizes many things. Hope, desire, majesty, among several others. I can visualize a strong future after my time is gone, a world anew, perhaps the world truly united after a nuclear war or a massive rock from space and we are in the process of believing. It is that sound of hope from the music that keeps me going.
In a way this music when I listen to it brings a relaxing look into the future, a glimpse of how people should stop and take the time to listen to not just the lyrics of a artists piece of music but the notes coming from all of the instruments that are used. Each song has its meaning to each person. That person may look at it in an entirely different light that I put it on. Does that mean they are wrong in their thoughts? No, it does not. It shows they are understanding and they also have an opinion on the artists taste.
With that, I leave with one more video that brings a lot of inspiration. I wish I had this man's talent and creativity.
DubFX - Society Gates
Take this video of Soundgarden - Applebite
Its a cool mix of music that symbolizes many things. Hope, desire, majesty, among several others. I can visualize a strong future after my time is gone, a world anew, perhaps the world truly united after a nuclear war or a massive rock from space and we are in the process of believing. It is that sound of hope from the music that keeps me going.
In a way this music when I listen to it brings a relaxing look into the future, a glimpse of how people should stop and take the time to listen to not just the lyrics of a artists piece of music but the notes coming from all of the instruments that are used. Each song has its meaning to each person. That person may look at it in an entirely different light that I put it on. Does that mean they are wrong in their thoughts? No, it does not. It shows they are understanding and they also have an opinion on the artists taste.
With that, I leave with one more video that brings a lot of inspiration. I wish I had this man's talent and creativity.
DubFX - Society Gates
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Smile!
I had a bit on my mind this evening I suppose. This one is a bit more informative more than anything.
In less than 3 months now, I will be finally be going under the knife, drill, and whatever other crazy tool dentist use to pull eight teeth out. Yes, 8 teeth are coming out of my mouth in September and as scared shitless as I am about the idea of it, the benefit will be limitless.
Overall, to quote Ice Cube "Today was a good day"
Sadly, tomorrow is Monday......
In less than 3 months now, I will be finally be going under the knife, drill, and whatever other crazy tool dentist use to pull eight teeth out. Yes, 8 teeth are coming out of my mouth in September and as scared shitless as I am about the idea of it, the benefit will be limitless.
- I will be able to actually smile without the thought of some person focusing their attention on my mouth for a change...
- I will be getting eight removed (four are wisdom), 2 crown implants, and an upper bridge
- I can actually show off some pearly white shiny teeth by February next year (going with invisline instead of normal braces if I can get away with it)
- I will have real, strong confidence in myself
- I will be able to speak publically without any doubts in myself.
- I can actually flash a smile at some one instead of a fake half smile.
Overall, to quote Ice Cube "Today was a good day"
Sadly, tomorrow is Monday......
Fathers Day
I was in a deep thought today with it being fathers day. Like mothers day, this day celebrates dear old dad. As much as I would like to say I would like to enjoy this day with mine, that is unfortunately not possible since he left when I was young. While it took some time for me to realize why he did it and digest it all, it still bothers me to some degree though not as much as it has previously.
My dad opted to leave me and my mother when I was roughly 3 or 4 years old. I attempted to find him again, successfully when I was 11 or 12, solo, on a Metro bus, when he was working at the Seattle Center. From that one day, we never saw each other again, there was no attempt to contact one another, which suited me just as well. My answers were answered and I did not want anything to do there after.
I have often been curious if this is why I am the way I am. Am I "broken" because of him or has it made me stronger and grow up faster? These are some of the questions I am going to talk to my counselor on my next session. I have been virtually solo, except with close friends, since I was 15 or 16. Nearly 10 years have passed since I "ran away" so to speak to get away from the pain and suffering I endured from my mother. My sister was no real help but that was your typical younger brother vs. older sister rivalry. My contact with either of them is only a few times a year, if even that.
I know for some women, a man having a close connection to his family is important but since I don't have that "trait" does this make me even less of a person in their eyes? Perhaps once she understands my life, she will understand why I opt not to talk about my family.
There are some positive things for this day however. The joy I get to bring people when I am on the tourist train. The smiles from the dad's, grandpa's, etc make it all worth while to endure the day. Prior to my involvement in the tourist railroad industry, I would sit at home and play games on the Nintendo 64 or Gamecube. I hated fathers day with a passion that it would make the devil envious of my attitude. My first day as a Conductor on Father Day damn near broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. It was then I realized the day wasn't simply about me and my "father" but the overall celebration of fathers everywhere.
As much as I sound like a grinch in this post, it is more of a mere observation. The look on a son or daughters face as they look up at their dad is something special, amazing, and powerful. While I can't experience that feeling, I can certainly watch from the sidelines at others enjoyment and take pleasure knowing their happiness is important. I hope that I can make my son or daughter have that same bright smile of joy and happiness.
My dad opted to leave me and my mother when I was roughly 3 or 4 years old. I attempted to find him again, successfully when I was 11 or 12, solo, on a Metro bus, when he was working at the Seattle Center. From that one day, we never saw each other again, there was no attempt to contact one another, which suited me just as well. My answers were answered and I did not want anything to do there after.
I have often been curious if this is why I am the way I am. Am I "broken" because of him or has it made me stronger and grow up faster? These are some of the questions I am going to talk to my counselor on my next session. I have been virtually solo, except with close friends, since I was 15 or 16. Nearly 10 years have passed since I "ran away" so to speak to get away from the pain and suffering I endured from my mother. My sister was no real help but that was your typical younger brother vs. older sister rivalry. My contact with either of them is only a few times a year, if even that.
I know for some women, a man having a close connection to his family is important but since I don't have that "trait" does this make me even less of a person in their eyes? Perhaps once she understands my life, she will understand why I opt not to talk about my family.
There are some positive things for this day however. The joy I get to bring people when I am on the tourist train. The smiles from the dad's, grandpa's, etc make it all worth while to endure the day. Prior to my involvement in the tourist railroad industry, I would sit at home and play games on the Nintendo 64 or Gamecube. I hated fathers day with a passion that it would make the devil envious of my attitude. My first day as a Conductor on Father Day damn near broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. It was then I realized the day wasn't simply about me and my "father" but the overall celebration of fathers everywhere.
As much as I sound like a grinch in this post, it is more of a mere observation. The look on a son or daughters face as they look up at their dad is something special, amazing, and powerful. While I can't experience that feeling, I can certainly watch from the sidelines at others enjoyment and take pleasure knowing their happiness is important. I hope that I can make my son or daughter have that same bright smile of joy and happiness.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A success of failure
I have come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I am who I am and slowly beginning to understand who I am. Some could say I am perturb at my personality and they are probably right but I am getting off the subject at hand.
My relationships could be described as a success of failure. As strong as they were, they all eventually have failed for one reason or another. My stress, my attitude, and my emotions that have remained bottled inside me have all ruined these relationships. Trust has always been my down fall because it involves letting my guard down to that person and allowing that to happen leaves me vulnerable, open, and unadulterated. The mystery of who I am, what I am, and why I am becomes a gateway of questions I may or may not want to answer, that I would prefer to remain closed up and put in a shelf away from anyone to never read into.
Is it my apprehension of commitment? It is the doubting fear of knowing I will fail because of my history? Is it because I am scared to death of something happening to her like what has happened previously? If something did, can I mentally handle another episode of my life ending so dramatically, tragically, and sudden. I honestly don't believe I could and I would undoubtedly want to put myself out of the misery, the pain, the suffering, without anyone knowing. I have always told myself that if I were to die for whatever reason, I would hope it will be quick, silent, and painless. Dark, yes, but it would be the best way.
Where does some one realize that they are successfully a failure or the failure makes them a success? What really makes me think that any future relationship won't end in the way that happened to me already? Will some one cheat on me again? Will some one die because of some ones selfish desire to drink themselves into a stupor and cause a tragic accident? When will I really, truly be happy? Is it possible for me to really even be happy?
How can love translate into something so beautiful yet so painful? Is it the thought of making love to that person or being able to rely and count on that person, day in and day out, just like she would? What if the relationship is purely based on "what ifs" would some one really be able to move forward with anything more than just "girlfriend/boyfriend"?
As much as I want to love, will my heart truly allow it to be open, to be exposed, naked and vulnerable? Will that person except me, my flaws, my doubts, my baggage, and the pain that I carry onward? Some tell me yes, others tell me "fuck no". Either way, the idea, the thought of settling down scares me. The commitment I thought would be saved for one person makes it that much difficult, that much harder, that much scary, and so much more intimidating.
I want to hold whomever I am with, look them deep into their eyes, their soul and tell them I love you, with no qualms, no regrets, no doubts in my body, heart, and mind. I want to be able to kiss that person passionately, tell them I love you, with the sincerity that makes them tremble and I want to make them quake, explode in pure ecstasy and bliss that everyone knows that we are together.
Will I be able to get to that point in my life again? I wish I could answer that now...perhaps some day I will be able to hold that person, see that person, experience life with that person, to see what their face looks in the glowing warm sun when they wake up in the morning, eyes crusted over from the deep peaceful sleep.
Despite all of these things, all of these desires, I am still only human, I am still young and I am still frightened to hell at the thought of "I do" but I yearn for that day when that person I can trust is there for me, I have said I do and the cries of pain and joy of my hand being crushed as she is giving birth to our first child. The very thought of those moments makes my eyes water up each time I think about it. I just hope that I get to experience before it is too late.
Goodnight.
My relationships could be described as a success of failure. As strong as they were, they all eventually have failed for one reason or another. My stress, my attitude, and my emotions that have remained bottled inside me have all ruined these relationships. Trust has always been my down fall because it involves letting my guard down to that person and allowing that to happen leaves me vulnerable, open, and unadulterated. The mystery of who I am, what I am, and why I am becomes a gateway of questions I may or may not want to answer, that I would prefer to remain closed up and put in a shelf away from anyone to never read into.
Is it my apprehension of commitment? It is the doubting fear of knowing I will fail because of my history? Is it because I am scared to death of something happening to her like what has happened previously? If something did, can I mentally handle another episode of my life ending so dramatically, tragically, and sudden. I honestly don't believe I could and I would undoubtedly want to put myself out of the misery, the pain, the suffering, without anyone knowing. I have always told myself that if I were to die for whatever reason, I would hope it will be quick, silent, and painless. Dark, yes, but it would be the best way.
Where does some one realize that they are successfully a failure or the failure makes them a success? What really makes me think that any future relationship won't end in the way that happened to me already? Will some one cheat on me again? Will some one die because of some ones selfish desire to drink themselves into a stupor and cause a tragic accident? When will I really, truly be happy? Is it possible for me to really even be happy?
How can love translate into something so beautiful yet so painful? Is it the thought of making love to that person or being able to rely and count on that person, day in and day out, just like she would? What if the relationship is purely based on "what ifs" would some one really be able to move forward with anything more than just "girlfriend/boyfriend"?
As much as I want to love, will my heart truly allow it to be open, to be exposed, naked and vulnerable? Will that person except me, my flaws, my doubts, my baggage, and the pain that I carry onward? Some tell me yes, others tell me "fuck no". Either way, the idea, the thought of settling down scares me. The commitment I thought would be saved for one person makes it that much difficult, that much harder, that much scary, and so much more intimidating.
I want to hold whomever I am with, look them deep into their eyes, their soul and tell them I love you, with no qualms, no regrets, no doubts in my body, heart, and mind. I want to be able to kiss that person passionately, tell them I love you, with the sincerity that makes them tremble and I want to make them quake, explode in pure ecstasy and bliss that everyone knows that we are together.
Will I be able to get to that point in my life again? I wish I could answer that now...perhaps some day I will be able to hold that person, see that person, experience life with that person, to see what their face looks in the glowing warm sun when they wake up in the morning, eyes crusted over from the deep peaceful sleep.
Despite all of these things, all of these desires, I am still only human, I am still young and I am still frightened to hell at the thought of "I do" but I yearn for that day when that person I can trust is there for me, I have said I do and the cries of pain and joy of my hand being crushed as she is giving birth to our first child. The very thought of those moments makes my eyes water up each time I think about it. I just hope that I get to experience before it is too late.
Goodnight.
Sometimes....
Sometimes I don't make sense.
Sometimes I don't understand.
Sometimes I just want to be known.
Sometimes I just want to love.
And sometimes I just want to hide.
Ever have those feelings before? Today I felt I was able to do a mix of all of these things and felt at ease with myself. I am not sure if it is because I am around a passionate hobby of mine or if it was because I am at ease with myself, finally getting the weight off my shoulders.
Sometimes, my understanding of life is skewed. I always wanted an adventure. Sometimes that adventure is dangerous, yet I welcome it, even with the faint possibility that I could get seriously injured or worse. Some people don't quite understand this logic, others do. Sometimes, that understanding all we have to live and go by.
I wish sometimes more people would understand that I am not your "typical African-American", yes, I have "strange" hobbies. I like trains, photography, extreme sports, camping, hiking, etc. This is me, this is who I am and sometimes, I'd like you to simply accept me and not who you want me to be....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Self Destruction
I wasn't planning on writing again tonight but my fingers and mind had other thoughts. I suppose this a good thing and may help me sleep even better before my weekend starts but nevertheless, here I am.
Self Destruction of one person's mind, body, and soul happens to everyone. Let it be the person next door, the church goer, the person who is always hyped up on caffeine, the destruction is nearly inevitable in our society. While most people only have this happen once in their lifetime, I seem to be on my 4th self destruction. The point where I want to give up everything, to shut down, to hide, to get away from everything and nearly everyone in this earth. I wanted to be an atom, tiny, forgotten, swashed away in the molecules of life.
I have reached that critical point in my life where I question even why I am here, who's purpose am I to serve if I can't even take care of myself, to succeed, to grow and be the man I am supposed to become or should be. This selfish act I can only perceive as something only to be an super nova of emotions inside me. This super nova was suppressed once I started going to see a counsellor to curtail these emotions.
My first session was yesterday and I managed to uncover my life story in the hour, except for the last 3 to 5 years. Uncovering the truth, the deception, and the cloud I have put over myself to make me feel happy and look important. Did I gain anything from it? No. What little deception I have put myself through only continued to build up the anger, the hatred for myself and my life.
In less than 5 months, I will again cherish and celebrate my first love of my life, the first person I ever told I loved other than my grandparents and sincerely meant it. The person that was taken from my life, her families life, and unbeknownst to both of us, a young child, not even a month of being apart of this world and our lives, was taken. We were both 17 and dated continuously, secretively, since we were 13 years old. It was a devastating hit of reality and I slipped into a depression far greater than any person in this world ever should suffer. I felt like I was the person to blame, I felt like the most helpless person in the world, and the worse that any creature could experience. My life was shattered, lost, and forgotten.
To this day, I continue to hold onto the memory, the phone call, seeing the body, seeing the blood. Mentally, I was never meant to handle such a scene, reserved normally for movies. The sight that I witnessed made me terrified of myself, my internal rage of hatred towards people, the drunk driver that hit her but I still continued to blame myself. During my session, she understood then why I am in the state of self destruction. I had no one who I can tell any of this to, I didn't trust anyone enough to let myself go and ultimately, I was holding onto some one so dear and close to me that I had a barrier that was unbreakable.
Its been a long time since I cried and poured myself out in such a manner that surprised even myself. I felt alone, I felt tiny, laying down, staring at the art-deco ceiling but I felt a relief of that pain I left inside me disappear. My eyes burned the rest of the session as I explained why I needed to let all of this go. Water poured from my eyes like a raging river. The emotions have finally came forth to a stranger I have only known for fifty minutes to that point.
As I continue to think and ponder, I have gotten to where I can release the tension I have had towards so many people, even my closest friends. I want to know what it is like to love again and be loved. I want to know what passion is again. I want to reach out and be that person who can be dependable and that go to person. The accident destroyed my social skills and I've been trying and learning to be more interactive with my peers.
Perhaps as time inches forward, I can restart my life anew and start the search for some one who will give as much love as I do. That time may come tomorrow or it will happen several years from now. Whenever my time comes, I will hopefully be prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally and the person will come to understand me completely as I hope to understand her as best to my ability.
Goodnight
Self Destruction of one person's mind, body, and soul happens to everyone. Let it be the person next door, the church goer, the person who is always hyped up on caffeine, the destruction is nearly inevitable in our society. While most people only have this happen once in their lifetime, I seem to be on my 4th self destruction. The point where I want to give up everything, to shut down, to hide, to get away from everything and nearly everyone in this earth. I wanted to be an atom, tiny, forgotten, swashed away in the molecules of life.
I have reached that critical point in my life where I question even why I am here, who's purpose am I to serve if I can't even take care of myself, to succeed, to grow and be the man I am supposed to become or should be. This selfish act I can only perceive as something only to be an super nova of emotions inside me. This super nova was suppressed once I started going to see a counsellor to curtail these emotions.
My first session was yesterday and I managed to uncover my life story in the hour, except for the last 3 to 5 years. Uncovering the truth, the deception, and the cloud I have put over myself to make me feel happy and look important. Did I gain anything from it? No. What little deception I have put myself through only continued to build up the anger, the hatred for myself and my life.
In less than 5 months, I will again cherish and celebrate my first love of my life, the first person I ever told I loved other than my grandparents and sincerely meant it. The person that was taken from my life, her families life, and unbeknownst to both of us, a young child, not even a month of being apart of this world and our lives, was taken. We were both 17 and dated continuously, secretively, since we were 13 years old. It was a devastating hit of reality and I slipped into a depression far greater than any person in this world ever should suffer. I felt like I was the person to blame, I felt like the most helpless person in the world, and the worse that any creature could experience. My life was shattered, lost, and forgotten.
To this day, I continue to hold onto the memory, the phone call, seeing the body, seeing the blood. Mentally, I was never meant to handle such a scene, reserved normally for movies. The sight that I witnessed made me terrified of myself, my internal rage of hatred towards people, the drunk driver that hit her but I still continued to blame myself. During my session, she understood then why I am in the state of self destruction. I had no one who I can tell any of this to, I didn't trust anyone enough to let myself go and ultimately, I was holding onto some one so dear and close to me that I had a barrier that was unbreakable.
Its been a long time since I cried and poured myself out in such a manner that surprised even myself. I felt alone, I felt tiny, laying down, staring at the art-deco ceiling but I felt a relief of that pain I left inside me disappear. My eyes burned the rest of the session as I explained why I needed to let all of this go. Water poured from my eyes like a raging river. The emotions have finally came forth to a stranger I have only known for fifty minutes to that point.
As I continue to think and ponder, I have gotten to where I can release the tension I have had towards so many people, even my closest friends. I want to know what it is like to love again and be loved. I want to know what passion is again. I want to reach out and be that person who can be dependable and that go to person. The accident destroyed my social skills and I've been trying and learning to be more interactive with my peers.
Perhaps as time inches forward, I can restart my life anew and start the search for some one who will give as much love as I do. That time may come tomorrow or it will happen several years from now. Whenever my time comes, I will hopefully be prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally and the person will come to understand me completely as I hope to understand her as best to my ability.
Goodnight
Welcome...
I created this blog to express myself in a manner than can only be done on "paper". Since I dislike writing by hand and sadly attached to a computer or smartphone 99% of the time, this would be my source of an outlet to rant, rave and express myself in a manner few may or may not understand or even relate to.
Some of this will be emotional, some of this will be deep, some will be pure anger but all of it will be from me and who I am.
Those who decide to read this blog, heed this warning now that I will not hold back my thoughts, expressions, or opinions. There will be swearing, sexual talk (to an extent), etc. You are welcome to comment back and voice your thoughts, concerns, and ideas. I welcome and cherish it all but I am not looking for a pity party or be told I am some pathetic human simply because of what I say..
Till tomorrow....
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